Thursday, November 20, 2008

Lot gets date raped

Howdy, y'all. It's me again, Billy Bob, and I'd just like to ponder one of my all time favorite stories in the Bible. For all you unedumacated heathens out there, it's in Genesis (the first chapter). Right after Jehovah God invited the Sodomites to a barbecue that got way outta hand, this guy named Lot manages to escape with his wife and his two daughters. Mrs. Lot probably remembered that she left the oven on, and turned around and looked back at her city in flames, so God turned her into a pile of salt. That's a purdy neat trick, I'd like to figure out how to do that to the sheriff's deputy who keeps pulling me over fer drivin' drunk. Dang snake.

Anyways, Lot and his girls decided to take refuge in a cave. Now I'm gonna use the "real" Bible, the King James Version, written by Jesus hisself and his drinkin' buddies, the apostles. So open your Bible to Genesis chapter 19 and read along with me...
(30) And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. (31) And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: (32) Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. (33) And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. (34) And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. (35) And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. (36) Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. (37) And the first born bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day. (38) And the younger, she also bare a son, and called his name Benammi: the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.
Now this story is just plain weird. Well, it does sound like some thangs that happened in my family, but I'm not gonna blog about those right now. According to this here scripture, it looks like Lot's teenage daughters got him drunk and date raped him. And that IS a purdy funny tall tale.

First of all, how many teenage girls do you know whose main interest in life is preserving their father's "seed" (that means sperm for you numbnuts out there). I know teenage girls, with all thar fashion and girlie poo, and the last thang they want to do is hook up with their old dad just to propagate their genes. That's plain weird. These girls were so selfless, they didn't bother to try out some of the local talent down thar in Zoar, nooooo, they're Daddy's girls. Uh huh.

Another thang is that girls don't date rape guys, guys date rape girls. You think I'm kidding? See how many women are in jail for rape, and compare that to the number of guys in jail for rape. I think you'll see how stupid this is.

Think about it - this guy is all alone in a cave with his two girls, Lolita and xxBambi69xx. He's got lots of time on his hands, and nobody to sink the pink with. Or does he? Hmmm, let me think real hard about this.

Oh, but here's another thang. Lot was so drunk he didn't know that his girls were riding him like a cowboy? I don't know about you, but when I get that drunk, my snake won't to come out of his hole, if you get my thinkin'. I think I even heard a song the other day called "too drunk to f***". That's what happens when you get that plowed, sorry but I gotta say.

Also, it sounds to me like he didn't put up too much of a fight, either, if they really did try to jump daddy's bones. I think if he really had a problem with that, he could have taken care of himself. He was really old (like in his 40s?), but he managed to escape the bonfire and hike up the mountain carrying jugs of wine? Hell, he was prolly in better shape than me. Yet they "made him drink wine". Uh huh.

Now here is the part the confuses me the most. Which one of these people actually wrote this story down? If you were in this situation, would YOU write about your incestuous affair? Did one of the girls? Maybe Lot hisself? Thangs like this are usually purdy hush hush.

So here's my reverlation. I think this whole story was made up by the Hebrew priests as a way to generate some antipathy towards Moab and Ammon. Then them Hebrews could look their noses down at the bastard Moabites and Ammonites, and they could feel real good about killing them. This story is more twisted up than a high-schooler's alibi.

Thar, I wrote it. Now I know some of you fundy mentalist Bible scholars got some fine smart words to defend this stupid story, but I don't care. When you step in shit, you still stink, even if you can't smell it yourself. And them's my thoughts. Bye y'all.